As a young person, it never occurred to me that I would live in pain. I had always been healthy, energetic, active, and adventurous. I was vivacious, outgoing, witty, and the life of the party. As a young person, it never occurred to me that my health was a blessing, or that it was something that could change.

It just never occurred to me. 

The funny thing about chronic illness and the chronic pain associated with an autoimmune disease is that it starts out slowly. It’s a little here and a little there. It starts out small. It moves from location to location, until one day, it seems to be everywhere. Then you realize that you can’t really remember when it didn’t hurt, and you realize how much of your life is affected by it.  And you look back at the person you used to be and you realize you’re not that person anymore. Now you’re a person with chronic pain, limitations, and coping mechanisms. In your head, you’re still you, but according to your body, you’re a completely different person.

Living with chronic pain has definitely changed me. Though I typically smile, laugh, try to have a positive attitude, and do as much as I used to, it is not without cost. Some days are better than others, but I am always in pain. Some days are tough. Really tough. Daily (or nightly) I have to make the choice to have the pain, but not let the pain have me.  Yes, it has changed me, it doesn’t define me.

Every day is a battle, and I have to choose to prioritize what matters most. I have to say “No” more often than I like, and I actually say “Yes” more often than I should. My house isn’t as clean as I would like, and sometimes, it’s downright messy, because I just can’t do it all. I have learned to give myself grace, in this though, I no longer feel like I’m a bad mother and wife because of it. When you see me or read my posts, you probably won’t know how I really feel. I don’t talk or post about it often. It’s not because I’m trying to hide it, but rather because I’m choosing to do what I can to rise above it.

Pain has changed me in other ways too though. In my pain, I have become more compassionate and understanding of others, and less judgmental. I have learned to focus more on what really matters (love, family, memories, kindness, etc.) and let meaningless stuff (materialism, emotions, attitudes, thoughts, vanity, etc.) go. I am more aware that we all wear masks, everyone struggles, and anyone we meet can be fighting their own private battle at that time. In my pain, I have realized that kindness, love, and humility are more important that being “right.” I have discovered that praying for others helps me more than praying for myself. I have learned it’s okay to ask for help and to be honest if I’m not up to something. I have learned to be kind to myself. Most importantly, my daily struggle with pain has made me rely on God more, and myself less.

Yes, my pain has changed me. While I would prefer to not hurt all the time, it has made me a better person. And I’m okay with that.

 

“My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong. ~ 2 Cor 12:9-10