My husband travels for work sometimes. Occasionally we get to travel with him, but usually, my daughter and I stay home. During these mother-daughter times, we typically watch some TV (especially Gilmore Girls) or movies, hang out, bake, have a beauty night (this is generally a mud mask for our faces), spend lots of time in our jammies, and other fun “girly” things. I want her to focus on the fun we’re having, not the fact that she’s missing daddy.

Periodically there’s a sleepover… either a friend stays here with us, or she goes to a friend’s house for a sleepover. This weekend was the latter. She spent a Friday night with friends and BEGGED me to let her stay another night. She begged, her friends begged, it was a begging frenzy… so I said yes. I figured I could always use a little more “me” time, so while I was a bit doubtful, I said yes.

I left her at her friend’s house and came back home. It was a quiet day, uneventful, and blissfully boring. At about 7:30 PM, I decided it was time to get into my PJ’s, so I went to change. When I came out of my room, I heard the familiar “ding” that alerted me to a message from her. It read…

“Hi Mom. I sort of miss u too much and I wanna come home. Tell Miss H that I wanna go home. I miss u so much, that’s why. Please pick me up at 8. Please.” 

Gut punch… My response? “Okay, baby, I will.” I quickly went back into my room to change and I was on my way. When I got there, she was fine, but ready to come home. When we left, she said, “Thanks for coming to get me. I’m sorry I made you come back.” 

I told her, “You never have to apologize for wanting to come back home. You never have to be afraid to call me, or tell me anything.”  And it’s true. I want her to understand that she will never have to worry about being a bother or be concerned about how I’ll respond to her. If I make her feel that it’s inconvenient or trouble to deal with her, even with the small things, I know she’ll be less likely to want to come to me or trust me if ever she’s in trouble, freaked out, made a bad choice, or anything else.

I’m not saying I want to be her BFF, because I don’t. I parent her, I’m firm with boundaries, and I discipline her, but I always want her to know she can talk to me about anything. I realize there may be times that she needs (and wants) me to be a protector more than a parent. And I know that her trust of me with the big things is built up by the way I handle the little things.

We talk a lot about consequences, that actions have consequences (for good and for bad), and she knows that though there may be consequences to actions, there will never be a time that I don’t love her and won’t do what is best for her. But maybe there won’t be consequences at that moment. Maybe during some moments, it’s more important to make her feel safe, secure, comfortable, and loved, than to discipline.

In this particular experience, there was no reason to correct or discipline, but someday, there may be. And I never want her to be so afraid of me or the discipline, that she won’t come to me. I hope she will always trust me, that I am a safe harbor for her, and that even when I do have to discipline, it’s because I love her.

This parenting thing isn’t easy, and I frequently doubt myself. But sometimes, I know I’m not doing too bad… And I consider that a win!